Creating a new mind; 2020 Resolution
It’s January, and I’m back to fighting with myself and because of the habit of worrying, things are a mess. I can’t complain as much because I overcame so much in 2019, but I must admit that things could have been better. By far.
Just to recap, I had four friends. Today I have six. I don’t intend to go past that because I learned a close-knit circle is essential for sanity. It’s also less drama.
I also make a good living from my freelance wiring career. While I have seen ups and down in this area, I have grown so much that I can’t help but be proud of myself. I am one of those lucky people who love what they do and get paid to do it.
My family is great. I’m a better mother and an even better wife. Everything is incredible in this area, even with the occasional crying and trouble from my kids.
I still have one thing I need to work on, and 2020 is the year to do it.
What, you might ask?
The clutter in my head.
The habit of worrying
Last year, I did a lot of work to overcome the habit of worrying, but somehow, worry has refused to leave my mind, especially in the last quarter of the year (2019).
Let me catch you up on what happened.
If you remember where I started, I was earning nothing. I was desperate, and I needed to make money to help support my family.
After leaving a few ropes in pitching my services to clients, I grew from earning zero to making over $1000 a month. Heck, there is a time I made making $1,000 a week.
But something happened, and this is where all my worrying troubles began.
Let me explain:
Sometime towards the second quarter of the year, my husband lost one of his schools where he was teaching kids how to play musical instruments. Specifically, the guitar. By this time, I could fill in the gap for him financially, so that was not a problem.
Bagged with over seven years of teaching, we decided it was the perfect time to go solo, so we set up a music school. I was so involved in helping my husband set things up that my beloved career took a back seat.
I outsourced most of my work to other writers and earned the difference. At first, things were great, so my focus shifted from my job to help at the music school.
As you can imagine, I became sloppy. Sometimes I was so tired from running errands that I did not edit the articles correctly. Before I even got called out for it, I became troubled that the number of revisions were increasing. To make matters worse, it was always the same issue.
I can’t afford to lose this client. Not with how things were with my husband’s career, but even if that was not a factor, I feel I have come such a long way to lose a client over mistakes that can be avoided.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is when I went back to the habit of worrying.
Whenever I submit my article, my stomach tangles in knots as I wait for the client’s response. I worry so much and only relax when I’m given a new set of orders, because that way, I know the last set was ok.
I have lost a lot of confidence, even when I know I’m an exceptional writer. I try to push this feeling away, but it’s like the harder I try, the worse things become.
What if I made a mistake? What if I get fired? What if I go back to being super broke? What if… What if…
It never ends!
It doesn’t end there:
I try so hard not to think about it, and to pitch my services through cold emailing, but still, nothing. I freeze when I write the first sentence of my pitch. I created a writer’s portfolio, but the blog is empty. I try to pitch to other blogs for backlinks and bios, but I freeze before I can send the article or email the blogger with my interest.
Frankly, I’m tired of this cycle. I want to be at peace. I want to be confident in myself and my writing again. I want to pitch my services and ask for what I deserve to be paid because I know I will deliver pure gold.
Losing my mind to create a new one
The problem is, I don’t know to get rid of these feelings. Which brings me to my 2020 resolutions.
I want nothing but to learn how to control the thoughts in my head. If I’ve learned anything from the books I’ve read, it’s that thoughts create reality. And if you want to change your reality, you must start changing your thought patterns.
Dr. Joe Dispenza says that 90% of people live in their past, and when we have practiced living in the past for so long, our past becomes our predictable future.
I don’t want to live in the past. I want to create my future into exactly what I want it to be.
So I’m doing exactly what I did last year, following the same process that made my year grand, better than any year I’ve ever had.
First, I’ve uninstalled all social sites from my phone.
Second, I’ve selected a ‘how-to’ manual to help me with clearing my mind’s clutter. My chosen book, Dr. Joe Dispenza, “Breaking the habit of being yourself; how to lose your mind and create a new one.”
The year 2020 is the year I create my mind. I will devote this year to clearing all clutter, shutting down negative Nancy, and creating a mind that’s peaceful no matter the challenge I face.
I plan to write more so I can keep you updated and to keep myself in check. I plan to be off social media until April because I believe I will have made significant changes by then. But once I install all these sites again, I will regulate my time to strictly lunch hour, and one hour in the evening.
The year has just started, and all I have right now is hope and certainty that I will break the habit of worrying. 2019 was the year of regaining myself, but 2020 will be the year of creation.
Cheers to new beginnings
Cheers to losing my mind and creating a new one.